The Chin Zone
We Freds just love chins. We love them to bits, all of them from the little underhung varieties you get on inbred aristocrats to the huge jutting Jimmy Hill-style edifices you get on, well, Jimmy Hill. And it's plain to see that chins don't get enough press. When was the last time you saw a main news story about chins? Exactly. So in an effort to redress the balance, we present this page, in the vain hope that anyone actually bothers to read this bullshit.
A brief history of chins
Humans evolved chins sometime during the Pleiocene age. The precise time when chins first appeared is never likely to be known for certain, owing to gaps in the fossil record. Early chinless neanderthal and Homo erectus skeletons have been unearthed by chin paleontologists in Nigeria, and these have been carbon-dated to at least 100,000 years BC (Before Chins). The earliest chinned examples of Homo sapiens were discovered in a tarpit in Wyoming in 1822 by the eminent chinologist Dr Randolph Dudley-Smittering, and these are known to be at least a quarter of a million years old. These skeletons offer only a tantalisingly brief glimpse of the evolution of the chin, and the search for the so-called 'missing link' - a skeleton with a proto-chin of the type theorised by chinologists down the ages as an essential predecessor of the modern chin - has occupied many a researcher in recent decades, but sadly shows no sign of bearing fruit.
What is known for certain is that the evolution of the chin played a crucial part in the development of mankind, for it was only upon the advent of the chin that early humans stopped looking so damn ridiculous. The first chinned humans found that they were capable of looking each other in the face without collapsing in hysterical laughter, and this simple advance greatly accelerated the development of social cohesion. This, amongst many many other reasons, is why inbreeding is a bad thing.
Despite the essential role of the chin in the emergence of civilisation, the chin has been curiously neglected in the myths and legends of our ancestors. The Polynesians are known to have worshipped 'Pnumh-patar-kweli', a deity who was supposed to have taken the form of an enormous chin (at least 50 feet high) when manifesting himself on Earth. Some tribes of Native Americans believed in 'chin spirits'; these mischievous sprites were thought to inhabit the chins of loose women and madmen. It is for this reason that the amputation of the chin (a chindectomy) was performed on those braves or squaws whose chin-related maladies proved beyond the cure of more traditional tribal medicines. References to chins in the Norse mythology and Old Testament are more ambiguous and are considered by more conservative scholars to be mistranslations.
The surge of interest in 'alternative' religions and other beliefs in recent years has so far bypassed all of the obscure chin cults which still cling on to their ancient traditions, often in the face of considerable hostility from the more established churches. There still remain a few practising Chinians, but their numbers grow fewer by the day. Fewer people recorded their religion as Chinian in the recent UK census than ever before, and even 'Jedi' was a more popular choice.
Yet despite these seemingly overwhelming odds, the future for chins is not as bleak as it appears. Until technology comes up with a better device for ending our faces, humanity will continue to depend on chins, and it is therefore almost certain that this often-ignored body part will sooner or later reclaim its place in our affections that it most surely deserves.
This week's Top Ten Chins
| Chin | This week's position | Last week's position | Weeks in chart | Highest position | Editor's comments |
| 1 | 2 | 5 | 1 | The rapid climb to the top continues for this brash young upstart! A debut Number One, no less, something that happens all too rarely in these more cynical times. Believe it or not, this is the first chin to reach the top spot on its first release since 1973. And for that, we salute this fine chin, a role model for all youngsters out there. |
| 2 | 3 | 7 | 2 | Pipped to the post by this week's top chin, we can't help wondering whether the dream is finally over for the number two chin. This must surely be a bitter blow for the trainers and crew that have poured so much effort into this undoubtedly fine chin, and the knowledge that the number one spot would have been theirs in another week will probably be scant consolation. |
| 3 | 1 | 25 | 1 | We must confess at being surprised that this seemingly invulnerable chin has been toppled from pole position after so long by a newcomer. However, there should be little sorrow, as this has been a truly staggering chin, and one worthy of the lavish critical and commercial praise that has been showered upon it by judges and members of the public. One thing is for sure, this chin will be back! |
| 4 | 4 | 5 | 4 | The popularity of this rather bland and featureless chin has been causing some concern amongst Chin Zone editors, and has been taken as a symptom of the 'dumbing down' of chins nationwide. Still, the fact that it has risen no further than No. 4 suggests that the appeal of these manufactured chins is short-lived, and we can all take some comfort from that. |
| 5 | 5 | 65 | 5 | A real chin for connoisseurs, this one. Its remarkable longevity, demonstrated by a record-breaking 65 weeks in the chart, is a wonderful tribute to the memory of Gornord Heldings who sadly died last week in a prostitution accident. His heroic triumph against the odds to train this outsider chin to compete at the highest level will surely rank as one of the chin world's outstanding achievements. |
| 6 | 13 | 21 | 3 | The Period Chin is one that has a perennial fascination, and it is therefore not too surprising to see this good example climb back into this week's Top Ten. Credit is at least partly due to the recent reissue of "The Best 60s Chins - Ever!", which featured an early version of this chin, but a welcome return to form nonetheless. We eagerly anticipate their forthcoming new release. |
| 7 | 5 | 6 | 2 | God knows what's going on here, to be frank. This is probably the most repulsive chin we've ever seen at Chin Zone, and after fifteen years we've seen a few! We normally try to be positive, but this made at least one of us be physically sick into a waste-paper basket. Why does this chin sell?? There must be some truly twisted people out there somewhere. We just hope that they stay away from our offices. |
| 8 | 3 | 7 | 3 | Quickly in, quickly out. That's the motto of Geraldine Frogmore, the power behind this week's No. 8, and she applies that motto to chins and penises in equal measure. Hence the rapid rise and equally rapid fall of this rather post-modern chin. Damien Hirst is apparently a fan, so expect something involving chins and formaldehyde whenever he can be bothered to get up off his fat lazy arse and actually produce some fucking artworks. |
| 9 | 11 | 23 | 7 | An under-appreciated chin in our opinion, and it is a shame that although it has risen through the ranks with some speed, it shows signs of running out of steam. Coal-fired chins are always prone to this, of course, but we applaud the courageous team who have rekindled interest in the Golden Age of chins. We can surely expect more traditional chins in the wake of the success of this elegant and sporty example. |
| 10 | 7 | 18 | 7 | A consistent underachiever, we are not surprised to see this lacklustre chin slip to the bottom of the Top Ten. This is what happens when a chin is left too much to its own devices, and they can't say we didn't warn them. That "the devil finds work for idle chins" has been a central theme of our advice for many years, and although we don't want to appear smug, we are. |
Little-known Chin Facts
- A chin tax was briefly considered by the last Conservative government as a possible means of stopping people from being fat.
- People with cleft chins never amount to anything in their lives, and nearly always go to Hell when they die.
- The earliest recorded prosthetic chin was made for Queen Victoria when hers dropped off after she caught syphilis from John Brown in 1765. The artificial chin is on display in that museum in London next to the display case full of reusable canvas condoms.
- The first male chin in space belonged to the famous Russian Cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin. However, the first female chin in space was not that of Valentina Tereshkova, the first woman in space, because a female chin had been smuggled on board an earlier Soyuz mission by an unknown Soviet scientist. Stalin was so furious when he discovered this that he killed a million people in the Ukraine.
- Alexander the Great's chin was so sharp, he used it to cut string, cocaine, corners and the Gordian Knot.
- An early version of the Mona Lisa had three chins, one in the normal position and the other two where her ears are in the final version. It is thought that Leonardo Da Vinci had had a few too many drinks when he did the original sketches. However, it is possible that the model for the Mona Lisa was deformed, and Da Vinci amended his painting so as not to offend her family and thereby ensure that he got paid.
- Nobody has ever recovered from cancer of the chin.
- Monkeys and other apes don't have chins. The illusion of a chin is created by a stunted third arm, which originally grows out of their necks but migrates to a position below the mouth during adolescence in a manner similar to the eyes of flatfish.
- The chin is the part of the human body which takes longest to decay (apart from hair, teeth, nails and bones).
- The chins of the Easter Island statues have been proven to have been added at least 10,000 years after the original chinless statues were carved. Even more bizarrely, the stone with which the chins were carved is the same type as that used for Stonehenge.
Drinks that sound like they ought to have more to do with chins than is actually the case
Cinzano
Animals whose name is often abbreviated to 'Chin' leading to potential confusion when searching for chin-orientated websites
Chinchillas.
What people see in these oversized rats is beyond me, but apparently there are more websites devoted to Chinchillas than there are to chins. Type 'chin' into the Altavista image search and you will get more pictures of these nauseating little fuckers than you can shake a stick at, but not one picture of a real honest-to-goodness human facial feature. Something should be done about this sorry state of affairs, and as soon as I can work out what that something is, I will do it. Watch this space for further details.
Chin Links
Oh for fuck's sake
This website concerns face Feng Shui. I'm very much afraid that I'm not joking. As well as having your pot plants or dustbins or sofas or other furniture moved around your house in order to maximise positive energy flow or something like that, you can also move stuff around your face. I don't suppose that they would recommend that they move your nose up to your forehead or anything that drastic (although Picasso may have had the right idea after all), but I must confess to a certain amount of scepticism. Still, consultations are free, by all accounts, so at least they can't be accused of ripping off gullible idiots. http://www.zorrapredictions.com/fshui/fs_face/face23.htm
Well, we hope you've enjoyed your time at the Chin Zone. Come back and see us soon! More chin-related information will be added hot off the press as soon as we get it!