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How2! With Fred Dineage


That's me in the middle.

How! TV's Fred Dineage here. You may remember me from the successful ITV show, How, and later, How 2!
Look, here's me and my two beautiful children Gareth 'Gaz' Top and Sian Someoneorother.
We presented it together, somewhat like I imagine the Vonn Trapp family would have if they'd have known about TV. Or cared. Or been real.

On this week's show I'll be trying to dispel the myths about blue horses.


Maxine Starr being blue,
yesterday

Now if you've read the rest of our site you'll remember that it's generally advised to never bet on the blue horse.
Well I can catagorically put this theory to rest. It always pays to have a flutter on the blue horse.
Look at the wonderful sleek lines on this nag. Exquisite, as I'm sure you'll agree. From the naggles all the way down to its SeaBee-esque flippers you'll never find a more assured win than this GG.
This is our horse, Maxine Starr.

Now, I'm going to bet Gareths' pocket money on it, so let's hope for a good return.
You wouldn't believe the trouble I had getting Gaz to part with it, I had to fair knock him around the How 2! garden I can tell you. All over three quid. Tragic. Mind you, he is a tight little cunt.


Shut up your greetin'
you jug-eared Welsh Twat

It says here in my copy of the Daily Mail that the form on our aquamarine lovely is fifty to one odds. I know for a fact that this one'll romp home minutes ahead of the competition.
But even if it doesn't, it's no skin off my nose. If I lose, I'll just take it out on the kids, so I'm sort of a winner on all counts really.
Quids in and an evening at the pub if I win, or give Gaz a beating and wet my dick in Sian if I lose.

We'll be betting on the 3:15 Flat Handicap at the Herman Arsefuck Fair today. This is traditionally a small countryside event where Freds gather to exchange Herman whipping boys and sex-slaves, to watch the races, or to take part in the infamous Herman Hunt. Ever since they banned foxhunting, attendance figures for the Herman Hunt have sky-rocketed. Ah, those courageous Freds chasing stupid Hermans with packs of trained hunting swans. It's a wonderful sight, if perhaps a little hardon (he he!) the weaker stomach.

It looks like our horses are getting ready and being coaxed in those funny trap things that I can never remember the name of. Traps. That's it. Or is that dogs? AnyHow! let's go and get a position near the course.
There's our little lovely over there, no not that one, the one to the left. No the other left. For fuck's sake, it's the blue one!


Exhilarating races at the Herman Arsefuck Fair.

Woo! Look at that motherfucker go!
Go on-go on-go on-go on GO ON MY SON!
Come to daddy, come on, RUN YOU CUNT! RUUUUN!

And there we have it. I'm £150 richer. I might go home and fuck the kids now anyway, I'm feeling that fucking cock-a-whoop. I may even give that chopsy little cunt Gareth his three quid back if he's lucky. Heck, if he's that lucky I may withdraw before I clutter his butter gutter.


The triumphant horse in question and the hideous trophy to mark
her victory at the Herman Arsefuck Fair

I'll leave you with some facts about blue horses that you may not know.

  1. The first blue horse was called Brian. The name is pronounced EEeiiiigggghhhhhh!!!!!!! Which sounds like lemon being squrted into a black man's sanded japseye.
  2. Blue Horses are made of Stilton scrapings and only live as long as the sun stays behind heavy cloud cover or they crumble into pixie dust.
  3. You will never find a blue horse in the wild.
  4. Blue horses are very good at cards. Especially gin rummy.
  5. The first King of Spain, Frederique the Swarthy, kept several blue horses (or 'caballo azul' to you linguaphiles!) as his mistresses, and sired several sweating spanish cheese foals ('queso potros') who he sold to the English Queen Martha. Those foals now hold up the base of Tower Bridge in London for all eternity due to being an affront to God and nature.
  6. The sky is sometimes blue. Like a blue horse. Sometimes it's red instead. Unlike blue horses, which tend to remain blue. Red horses, however, are not blue. Unless they're very cold, but that doesn't happen very often.
  7. Geoff Capes' car is blue. But it's not shaped like a horse.
  8. This space left intentionally blank.
  9. So is this one.
  10. Starbeam Sparkle My Little Pony is blue.

And that's How! for now! Come back and see me next week when I will be unravelling the secrets of the Illuminati and poking my cock deep into Gaz's eyesocket.