Situations Vacant for Vacant Hermans

We know that there are lots of you out there who hate your jobs. Heck, we've all been there. Sometimes the money you earn and the drugs it enables you to buy just aren't enough to block out the feeling that you are frittering away the best years of your life stuck in some dead-end backwater pissant little company slaving your fingers to the bone just to keep the boss in Lexuses, Cognac and expensive call-girls. And when the crushing realisation that you are just a tiny meaningless little cog in the vast unfeeling machinery of modern life truly hits home, it can be tempting to contemplate another, different, kind of life. One where you feel appreciated and respected in your workplace. One where you feel that you and society have reached a mutually satisfactory working arrangement. One where your innermost truthful feelings will be nurtured instead of relentlessly smothered under the vast slick of supreme indifference that covers this sorry excuse for a world like a lethal comfort blanket. One, in short, where pigs fly like angels.

You won't find that here. But you may find another job that is marginally less crap than your current one. Good luck. You'll need it.

London Borough of Hackney Parks Division require a temporary Swan Co-ordinator. Six-month contract subject to review. Minimum three years experience in synchronising swan feeding patterns and regulating flock size required. Experience in Bewick's and Whooper Swan flightpath management beneficial but not essential. Good communication skills and basic beabling necessary. Apply in writing to: Milford Stenthorpe, Wildfowl Operatives Recruitment Office, Hackney Council, London. Note to Wingnut. We like black swans, so you can fuck right off already.	Do you have what it takes to fight fire with fire? If so, have you considered joining the newly formed Fire Service. We are looking for the sort of person who would relish the challenge of extinguishing an electrical blaze armed only with a flamethrower and a bottle of paraffin. How about tackling a warehouse fire with limpet mines and calor gas canisters? How about fiddling while Rome burns? How about setting yourself ablaze with a bottle of lighter fluid? If you think you have what it takes, phone us now on 0800 373 272 quoting reference STu/P1D 2wATs.
A job for the person YOU are. WE are the leading supplier of quality business consulting services to a wide range of blue-chip companies. YOU are a dynamic, go-getting, forward-thinking person who looks good in a suit. YOU believe that delivering lectures on "motivation" to an audience of bored clerical workers is the ultimate challenge, and you like nothing better than beating your head against a sheer brick wall of overwhelming indifference to your pointless platitudes, all the while spouting meaningless jargon like a hideously overpaid shit fountain. If YOU have what it takes to join our team of dedicated soulless smug pricks, send your CV and a covering letter to Andy Mansh, c/o the Herman pigsty, nr Cheltenham.	*St Helbin's - helping cripples since 1978* Due to recently attaining pseudo-independent trust status, St Helbins's Hospital requires additional staff nurses to work in the disabled wards. A caring disposition and sensitive nature is important, as is the ability to look at spackers without laughing or feeling ill. Minimum of 2 years experience necessary. We are an equal opportunities employer except for people in wheelchairs. Apply to Sister Ginger, Ward 7.
International Call Centre Ltd Would you like to earn minimum wage working in a giant floodlit warehouse answering telephones whilst a sneering wanker with a clipboard stands over you, shaking his head every time you take longer than 30 seconds to deal with a customer before floating off to make some other poor sod's life a misery in the name of efficiency? Would you like to work in a crushingly repetitive field with no hope of career advancement or personal satisfaction at all? Would you like to feel your will to live draining away hour by hour whilst somewhere in a vast carpeted office the members of the board are lying on cushions stuffed with fifty-pound notes snorting coke like there's no tomorrow and laughing at you? Well would you? If you would, why not come and work for the Telecommunications Industry in an anonymous industrial estate in Cardiff? You'll be glad you did. Tel. 0800 72 22 82, ask for Fourfoot and then hold for eternity plus six.	The Future of Pubs is Here! GIRLS - earn good money being LEERED AT in PUBS by sorry excuses for human beings with no life and small cocks. The Slug and Lettuce chain is always looking for bar staff who can cope with wearing a shirt that's slightly too see-through for comfort whilst surrounded by self-consciously trendy over-loud fuckwiited twats drinking white wine, WKD and Bacardi Breezers by the bucketload in an effort to drown out the knowledge that they are of no fucking use whatsoever to anyone.
The RPS Group of companies is pleased to announce it's latest purchase. We have bought another company. This gives us stonking great erections. We are HUGE. We are MASSIVE. Look on our works, you pitiful little worms, and despair. Despair for your jobs. Despair for your very lives. You will be next. Like an out-of-control black hole, we will eventually absorb the world. But the world will not be enough. We're not actually recruiting with this advert - we just like boasting about the size of our cocks. Which are HUGE.	Herman Control requires a new recruit in the Herman Vermin Control Team. The job involves putting hermans out of their self-imposed misery by the humane means of a bolt gun. YOU must be sufficiently moved by the suffering of fellow hermans that you are prepared to place a gun to the back of their heads while they sleep and pull the trigger, thus ending in a splatter of bone and cranial fluids the lonely exile of yet another poor deluded herman fool. This job is probably the most fun you can have. The previous occupant of this position died of happiness while on a three-day rampage through a Herman orphanage. Salary negiotiable. Gun and bolts supplied.