We don’t know when. We don’t know where. But one day the unthinkable will happen. The transvestite monks are coming. Even now, they may be secretly living amongst us, biding their time, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. And their next target could be YOU, unless you read this page very carefully indeed.

Transvestite monks are cunning. On the surface they look just like normal monks. The habit and the cowl hides everything. But look closely at every monk you see. You may spot the tip of a high-heeled boot poking out momentarily from under a cassock, or a shimmer of lipstick hidden deep in the recesses of a hood. If you do, you know that you are in the presence of a transvestite monk, and you must RUN for your very LIFE!		This is an ordinary monk. You have nothing to fear from him. But Transvestite Monks look alarmingly similar on the outside.
For the habit hides more than feminine clothing. As this drawing demonstrates, each transvestite monk is armed to the teeth, and they are poised to ATTACK at all times.		Note gun, grenade and sword. May also be hiding throwing stars down pants.

No-one is certain when t-monks first started infiltrating the northern hemisphere, but the first confirmed sighting was on the outskirts of Southampton in 1992. Predictably, the whole affair was covered up by the Government and the Church. D-notices were served on newspapers and television companies, preventing them from warning the public of the extreme risks they were taking every time they crossed a road, plucked an apple from a tree, fellated a giraffe or did any of the other myriad things we all do several times a day in the course of our normal business.

But word has slipped out, and the Freds refuse to sit idly by and let this menace go unrecognised. This page could save your life. And if it does, we ask nothing in return save for your eternal gratitude and your money.

SURVIVAL TIPS

Firstly, get yourself a nice long stick. Not too heavy; it should be light but reasonably rigid, and very strong. Alder or hazel will do, although the best sticks are made from beechwood. Avoid oak altogether if you can, as it is unwieldy, and conifers of any kind are useless.

The stick should be long enough to enable you to reach out and tweak up the skirts of an advancing monk while keeping safely out of range. A practised flick is all that is required to afford you a brief glimpse of what is hidden behind the robes. If all you can see is a pair of workmanlike sandals and perhaps a pair of long johns, you know that you are merely facing an ordinary monk, and you can smooth his ruffled feathers with a jocular witticism or a casual remark about God. If, however, items of women’s clothing are revealed, you have ample time to make your escape and can congratulate yourself on surviving another brush with death. Practice this manoeuvre at home with a friend before attempting it for real. Practice until you are confident you have properly mastered the technique. The mournful rows of gravestones in churchyards up and down Great Britain provide a grim testimony to the folly of tackling a transvestite monk without sufficient experience.

IDENTIFICATION TIPS

T-monks come in several different forms, but they can be classified into three main types, each with their own particular strengths and weaknesses:

Type 1

Armed with flick-knife, baseball bat and six-inch nails, the Type 1 t-monk is vicious and a master of close-quarters combat. However, they are generally less quick to react than the other types, and because their eyes are on the sides of their heads, it is often possible to confuse them by running in zig-zags and then hiding up a tree.

Type 2

These t-monks are probably the quickest, capable of reaching speeds around 35kmh for short bursts. They are certainly the most sadistic, and have been known to play with their victims like a cat plays with a mouse but for weeks and weeks and weeks. Their main weak point is that they prefer to avoid running on grass, and they are also allergic to cheese, which can come in handy if you are attacked in the deli section of a supermarket.

Type 3

Sometimes referred to as the Ubermonks, the Type 3 t-monks are without doubt the most dangerous. They are armed with a formidable array of weaponry, including darts, knives, lead piping, broadswords, throwing stars and chainsaws. Fortunately, this type is relatively scarce; sightings have so far been recorded from Cornwall, Devon, Hampshire and most of the other southern counties, but their distribution appears to be restricted by climate. The prospect of Type 3 t-monks extending their range northwards through Britain due to global warming is not a pleasant one, and is another reason why George Bush is a cunt.

Rumours abound that a fourth type of t-monk has been catalogued, possessing an extra arm with a small thermonuclear device attached. This, however, is nothing but a cruel internet hoax.

LINKS

THIS PAGE HAS BEEN CENSORED

As word of the threat of the t-monks spreads, militia groups and other methods of community defence are springing up all over the country. Ready to scramble at the first hint of trouble, these groups have saved many an innocent life. However, in a damning demonstration of the collusion of the Government in covering up for the blunder that led to the release of the t-monks from a top secret army research base near Eastleigh, militia groups have been placed on the list of banned organisations proscribed under the Prevention of Terrorism Act by Home Secretary David Blunkett. We cannot therefore provide contact details without risking prosecution, and this is something we are, quite frankly, too scared to contemplate. But we encourage you to seek out like-minded individuals and take the appropriate measures for your defence.

You have been warned.