Jonathon Woss Wites
Hewwo there. When I'm done with not letting people get a fucking word in when I'm interviewing people on my show, I like to watch films.
My favourite ones used to be porn films where the lead actress gets fucked all ways by fifteen different plumbers who've all turned up to fix a radiator each. And then she titwanks each of them before shoving watermelons up her distended labia in extreme closeup.
I say those USED to be my favourites for a very good reason. I've just seen a movie which blows every other cinematic tour de force into a cocked hat. Including the one where that Italian hot bitch has a train pulled on her by the entire cast of "'Allo 'Allo".
This film is quite simply breathtaking. It PISSES on "Citizen Kane". It makes "The Unforgiven" look like a film about some people in silly hats. It makes Amelie look daft. It makes "Fist Fuck Farty Party" look like a load of butch gays molesting a giraffe. It also happens to be a million times better than those herman efforts which, quite frankly, I could never be arsed to watch.
I'm talking, of course, about The Belming, written, produced and directed by the new auteur on the scene, Dr Psychonaut. His magisterial command of the cinematic oeuvre makes Ridley Scott look like a cunt and me spaff my knickers.
Centuries from now, the human race will look back on a time of destruction. The final battle between the holy forces of goodness and light, and the foul, pestilent beings who sought to bring discord and disharmony into a world, so that chaos could reign and they could bum their dads.
Fear ruled our cities. Mongs roamed the streets, staggering about with a force of pure nimming evil which corrupted the minds of many and laid waste to continents.
But one band of brothers stood tall. Refusing to bow down to the belming face of mediocrity and oppression, they sought a better life for their fellow men.
Here now, for the benefit of those future generations who are not here taking this fight to the enemy, is the tale told that will ring down the centuries. The good will prevail. The just will survive. The Freds fucking rule.
If you don't watch this film you're a cunt.