The Lonely Hearts Club Herman Band
Out of sympathy, we're trying to help hermans. No doubt they will misinterpret this as yet another jibe at their expense, but there comes a time when you have to put aside your differences and try to help those less fortunate than Freds. Sincerely, we mean it. Deep down we're all human beings, despite your hideous deformities and lack of social graces.
Lost? Lonely? Looking for love but can't seem to find it? Does your impending mortality weigh heavier on you with each passing day? Do you look at the faces of happy couples in the street and die a little more inside each time that familiar feeling of envy, hate, bitterness and despair wells up inside you to fill the aching void in your life? Or are you just looking for a shag? Is the prospect of mindless robotic joyless sex with a stranger the only thing that takes you away from the thought that you are a useless, pathetic, emotionally challenged nobody? Either way, the Lonely Herman Personal Contact Page is the place for you!
These are GENUINE adverts emailed to us by hermans who are desperate. To preserve confidentiality, we are unable to post personal email addresses. However, just email freds@disappointment.com and we will do the rest for you! Judging by the feedback we receive, hardly anyone has been killed or raped or anything through meeting someone from these adverts, but it's probably best that you arrange to meet for the first time in a busy place rather than in an old deserted mansion house in the middle of fucking nowhere in the middle of the fucking night like the last naive dimwit who went on a date with Danny.
But don't let that put you off! Literally some people have met the partner of their dreams through this webpage. And if you don't want to reply to one of these ads, why not post your own? Email us now and you too could be receiving horny emails from lonely hermans just like you all around the world!
Women seeking men
Men seeking women
Women seeking women
Men seeking men
Kinky fetish types seeking similar
Fucking unbelievably weird people seeking similar
Meedja
Hi, I'm a VGL GTG with a GSOH and a FHPOT. I like to FMWGBC on a daily basis, and I'm looking for a tall, handsome 18-35 M who will SMTHCCH and MMCS. Swindon, anywhere.
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Ginger
Recently single mother of three WLTM someone who can prove to me that all men aren't bastards. Specifically, I want to meet someone who won't screw my sister while I'm on holiday, won't spend more time drinking with his stupid friends than he does with me, will actually lift a finger around the house occasionally (and be capable of not breaking anything when he does), will use sufficient deodorant, and who doesn't have a dick like a small parmesan-covered slug like the last feckless bag of shite I had the misfortune to end up with. Will travel anywhere except Leamington Spa.
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Olga
SINGLE WHITE FEMALE with high alcohol tolerance and incredible stamina seeks boozy marathon runner. No time wasters please.
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Martial
Bubbly, cuddly and curvaceous female, 45, WTLM caring, honest, blind gentleman with own lipusuction clinic. Wolverhampton.
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Rasclart
I'm simply just a fucking herman cunt. There's nothing I'd like more than to be taken up the arse by a train of male hermans all dragging their knuckles on the floor and hooting like the demented pack of fucking bonobos that they are. I may claim to have given birth to the Child That Suckles Mustard, but my womb is as barren as a dusty suit of armour, and about as pleasurable to fuck. Somebody either shag me or kill me, because I can't go on like this for much longer.
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Danny
hELLO MY NAME IS DANny i am 26 years old and single but its not my fault they all leave me sooner or later but its not my fault mother agrees their just bitches but i no theres miss right out there for me somewhere she will be blond and kind and pretty and wont laugh at my dick just coz uncle harry got carrid away with the sandpaper when i was yunger he was only cleening it he said so. i like women who can put up a fight cos i like to play at reskewing princessses from trolls but its no fun if your not trying to escape.
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Mansh
Hello ladies! I'm a quirky, fun kinda guy, and I'm lookin for a babe with a brain who appreciates good wine, good food and good lovin! I work in sales, so you can guess that I'm a bit crazy! But hey, we all gotta relax, right? My idea of heaven is a cool bottle of claret, lights down low, Sade on the stereo and my girl on the sheepskin rug. Give me a ring-a-ding-ding if you think you can handle my portfolio!
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SibilantS
I want it. You want it. I love it. You love it. In fact, just thinking about it makes you soooo moist you have to have a dehumidifier running 24 hours a day just to stop your mattress from turning into a waterbed. I'm talking, of course, about early Anglo-Saxon pottery. I have it. I have lots of it. Come and get it. You know you want to.
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Panthro
Did you know that the last time I had sex was in 1989? This situation is clearly intolerable, and cannot be allowed to continue. In fact I happen to know that this is in breach of my human rights under the Geneva Convention. You are therefore all breaking the law by refusing to sleep with me. May I point out that the maximum penalty for breaching someone's human rights in such a cruel and unusual way is five years in prison? I don't think you want to spend five years in the company of butch lesbians armed with broom handles now do you? So sleep with me. Bitch.
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Rosy
I think I might be a lesbian, and I'd like to find out more about them. I'd LTM a girl who can introduce me to the scene. But no tongues: I can't stand the taste of lipstick, and in any case I think that other women's mouths are absolutely foul.
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Matronboy
Recently sex-changed mature busty lady, GSOH, WLTM sexy young girl to show me how to enjoy my new body. Reigate only. I don't live in Reigate.
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Inches
I'm posh as fuck and gay as a window. I like nothing better than to be taken roughly from behind whilst drinking champagne. The next best thing is snorting a line of coke off the erect member of a drunken rugby player. I have way more money than sense and I would just love to spend it extravagantly on a bit of rough trade.
Unfortunately I am joking, you sad bunch of gay losers. Or am I? You decide.
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Phil
No jokes. No cynicism. No homophobia. Just a whole hunk of burning love that needs to find a home. I work for a bunch of bastards and therefore need to be incredibly discreet. If they find out they will cut my balls off and nail them to the noticeboard as a warning to others. They are out to get me just because I like to wear pretty dresses. Please help me to escape.
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Exxon Valdez
Fuck me, Mansh. In the street like a pikey's dog. Please. I'm desperate. Right now I'm poking my arse towards an enlarged picture of you that I've cut out and glued to a rolling pin, and I'm crying while I do it.
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Kinky fetish types seeking similar
Robertdee
Hi, I'm from London baby, and I really get turned on watching snakes swallowing their prey. I have several boa constrictors and several hundred mice waiting for someone with similar interests. God, it's just the best feeling, bringing yourself to a climax just as the pitiful little furry things are slowly eaten alive by a reticulated python. So if you would like to spend some romantic evenings in with me and my snakes and mice, I'd love to hear from you.
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Jimbob
Good evening. I'm not particularly kinky or anything like that. I mean, I don't have to be chained to the wall every evening in order to be happy. I can live without it. But bitter personal experience has taught me that it's better to be up front and open about these things. Trying to explain to my now ex-wife what I was doing with the bicycle d-lock round my neck and her tights on my head was not exactly the happiest experience of my life. Or of hers, by all accounts. So I thought I'd try a different approach along the 'anything goes' lines, and see where that gets me. Uptight women who equate sexual experimentation with neo-nazism and latent psychopathic tendencies need not reply.
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Fucking unbelievably weird people seeking similar
Dare99
I love the smell of napalm in the morning. That's why I'm looking for someone who will pour petrol over my naked body and set me on fire while I wank myself into a frenzy.
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Fourfoot
Young at heart Welsh man, slim, fit, recently divorced, WTLM mortuary employees, paramedics, or anyone with access to recently dead relatives. Cardiff, ideally, but not fussy.
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Wingnut
Sincere gentleman, varied interests, loves films, eating out, animals, theatre, WLTM attractive slim professional lady for friendship and possibly romance. I really love animals, by the way. I really really love them. At the last count I have over 100 pets in my house, and I love them all unconditionally, especially Potto my faithful tortoise. She's such a tease! She likes me to balance her lettuce on my erect cock and thrust it into her shell. Oh, she plays hard to get - sometimes she won't poke her head out for days on end, but I know she's just coy. She's even losing weight just for me, as she knows I don't like fat tortoises. When I bought her three months ago she weighed almost 4 pounds, but she's down to almost a third of that now, and she looks fantastic. She loves it really. They all do. London, but can travel. On my horse if necessary.
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Log
When I was a baby I was attacked by a mule. Three years later, a dog tried to hump my leg. During my adolesence I was violated by a swarm of hornets. A pigeon shat on my head when I was waiting for a bus once. A couple of years ago a frog swore at me in the garden. Just last week a load of geese made a v-sign at me in the sky. I don't know why I'm telling you all this. Help me. Please.
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Nickunt
Anyone into extreme Swallows and Amazons role-play please get in touch. Especially anyone wanting to re-enact the 'Buried Alive' chapter of Pigeon Post or the bit where they nearly drown and then get tied up by a bunch of pretend savages in Secret Water. I can't believe I'm the only person in the world who finds these books erotic.
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Baz Bailey
You know what I like? I like to drag barbed wire over my flesh while someone reads aloud from the Book of Common Prayer. Do you know how much I like it? I like it a lot. Do you know how many pubic hairs I've got? None. Because I singed off the ten or so that I had originally with a soldering iron while listening to a recording of Thora Hird reciting the Lord's Prayer. Do you know how hard I am now? Actually, I'm a soft-cocked floppy disappointment, but don't let that stop any bible-reading pervs from getting in touch.
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