Herman problem page

HEWWO!! It's Emily here, my lovely herman boys! Now, I know that many of you have problems. Well, most of you. OK, if I'm honest, all of you have problems. Including me! That's one of the fun things about being a herman, isn't it?! That we all have to face up to our condition, struggle through daily life with a herculean effort to get even the simplest things right, and yet we still manage to go and get fucked by Dad in the evenings.

You know, facing up to being a herman can be hard. I expect we can all remember when we first learned what we were. Oh the crying, the weeping, the tearing out of hair. Oh the tantrums! Although some of us have never quite got over that stage, have we? Hush now, my lambs, because I understand. Believe me, I've been there. So I've started this problem page for my lovely herman boys to write to me so that I can wave a magic wand and make it all better. So come on, lads! Who's first?

Dear Emily

I am very worried. For some time now I have been desperately shit. And lately I have found it hard to stop ! using exclamat!ion marks!! You see?!!! There I go again!!!! And then sometims i get to drubnk and cant post proply and i get al confusedd. what!!!s more, !'m conv!nced that the freds are out to get me. ! th!nk they were wa!ting outs!de m! house the other n!ght, armed w!th blowtorches. What can ! do?!!!!!!

Yours!! !n desperat!on
Redmax

Well well well, Redmax! You have got yourself in a pickle, haven't you? My oh my. Yes indeed. Gosh, this is a tricky problem first up! Umm... Well... Ummm.. have you tried... No. Forget that, that wouldn't work. Ooh! What about... Nah. The surgical techniques are just too risky. Coo. I think I might have to get back to you on that one, RedMax! In the meantime, try sleeping on the other side of the bed and wanking with a suit of armour on. Ta ta now!

Dear Emily

My balls hurt.

Yours
Rasclart

Ah, now that's an easy one! What you need to do, my friend, is indulge in lots of wild uninhibited passionate sex. Nothing could be simpler. You should be able to sort it out by teatime tomorrow, as long as your missus doesn't have another one of her headaches.

Dear Emily

I think my wife wants to kill me. Last night she left a frog in my bed. I HATE frogs. When I was nine, my Uncle Daffyd stuffed sixteen live frogs up my arse. I couldn't sit down for a week, and now every time I look at my bottom in the mirror, I get flashbacks. I was only trying to see what happened when I pushed my little cock up one of the frogs, but my uncle got all red and sweaty and rubbed the front of his trousers like he was really angry. What can I do?

Yours
16th Nicholas

Gosh, Nicholas, you DO seem to get yourself into some scrapes and a half! Anyone would think you invited disaster and ridicule! Anyhoo, what you need to do is to cure yourself of your aversion to frogs, and then batter your wife to death with a lump hammer. The first one can be achieved by shutting yourself naked in the coalshed with a hundred frogs for a week. The second one can be achieved by battering your wife to death with a lump hammer.

Dear Emily

I am only likkul, and so there isn't room in my brain for lots of information at once. Could you please therefore tell me more about hermans? Because I just don't understand.

Yours
Matronboy (age 11)

I think we can best illustrate this with a diagram. If you have any questions after this, please write them down on a bit of paper and shove them up your japper.

Dear Emily

For some time now I have been plagued by nocturnal emissions. Every time I go to sleep, a huge pile of rabbit shit tumbles out of my nose. And if this wasn't enough, my cock goes sideways and spits lavender seeds instead of spunk. Not only that, but whenever I try to lie down on a park bench, I get covered in pigeons. They look at me funny, and then they fly off. Furthermore, the last time I went to the olive oil shop, they'd sold out of my favourite flavour (which is chocolate, by the way). When I complained to the staff, they laughed at me. Although that might have been something to do with the fact that I had a pine marten lodged in my left ear. I know that convention dictates it should be the right ear, but I like to express my individuality. Like the time when I told the paper boy to put his tongue in my belly button. But what I want to know is, why do I always fall over?

Yours
Mansh

You seem like a perfectly normal herman to me, Manshy! Nowt to worry about there at all, as far as I can see!

Dear Emily

I've been on the board for years, but still no-one knows anything about me or even notices that I exist. What can I do to raise my profile?

Yours
Panthro

Sorry, who are you again?

Well, that's all for now, fellow hermans! Come back and see me next week when I will chain you up like dogs and make you piss on the floor!

Lots of love xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Emily