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Here at Radio Belmsford we are pleased to preserve gems of radio history which might otherwise have languished in the vaults of obscurity like a little girl bricked up in a Belgian's cellar for all eternity. New and exciting finds are being made all the time, but we are currently featuring a pilot programme made a few years back that concerns the dreadful affliction of Hermanism. Unfortunately, Hermanism is still with us today, albeit confined to areas where inbreeding and pigfucking are prevalent, and so it is interesting from an academic viewpoint to see how attitudes to hermanism have changed over the years. Back then, sufferers of Hermanism were treated with at least some sympathy and tolerance. Nowadays they are spat on, poked with sticks and generally despised. This great improvement in the treatment of Hermans is something we can all be very proud of. |
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Click to download |
Click to download |
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Now available in mp3 format, this piece of history has fascinated scholars of Hermanism worldwide. The medical study of Hermanism has faltered somewhat in recent years because, let's face it, no-one can stand to look at Hermans for long enough to take any notes, and if you do have the misfortune to talk to one, you tend to be too busy trying to control the urge to vomit copiously or punch them in the face. One person who for some reason has spent much of his life trying to make sense of the whole Herman mess is Professor Keith Hewitt (BSc DPhil PhD), the noted humanist, philanthropist, anthropologist and goalkeeper.
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Professor Hewitt first became acutely interested in the empirical study of Hermanism in 1973. Two years into a ten-year study of the selection procedures employed by Her Majesty’s Armed Forces, he began studying behavioural patterns in applicants for jobs advertised to the general public. On one occasion, he sat in to observe interviews for a vacant position as a Bugler in the military band. There arrived a candidate who shocked the panel with his dubious appearance, horrendous jewellery and ridged head. Flouting a dribbly speech impediment, the man boasted that he was a consummate housebreaker, a Grade A thief who was "born to break and enter". Whether it was through illiteracy, dyslexia, or blind idiocy on the man’s part, Hewitt’s interest was piqued; he resolved to move his specialism into the realms of God’s rejects such as this. The man, who was later identified as suffering from Hermanism, had unwittingly opened up a can of vomitous bookworms. As an aside, it is thought that the Herman had applied for the job becayse he thought the advert said "Buggerer". | Establishing a new area of socio-cultural anthropology always invites dissent, and when Professor Hewitt spoke at a convention in 1974 to urge an audience of his peers into adopting the study of Hermanism, the response was muted. Everyone present recognised that with any such analysis comes one major disadvantage: that of daily contact with barely-sentient affronts to humanity. However, they agreed that, since Hewitt was so Joe Keeno on the idea, maybe he should do all the studying himself. This was an idea from which he initially ran a mile, and the proposal lay dormant until a horrendous incident in 1987 spurred him on to pick up the reins of the project from the ashes of the dustbin of history where it had been consigned to reside for evermore. Or something along those lines.
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In December 1987, Prof Hewitt came home one afternoon to find that his wife had been beaten to death, and her corpse obscenely mutilated, by a muddy Street-Herman. It appears that the vagrant, having passed by a downstairs window, peeked in and saw Mrs Hewitt in the bedroom putting up some Christmas fairy lights on the headboard. In Herman 'culture' )if they can be deemed to have such a thing), decorating one’s bed in such a way is shorthand for: I am a Herman. I am a legitimate challenge to an omnipotent God’s authority as creator. Please come in and rape me. Having duly obliged, the Street-Herman got carried away, and introduced her to an untimely death. Professor Hewitt discovered the creature sitting atop his wife, smiling like wet labia, and repeating the phrase "das ist mein schildkrote" while repeatedly sticking its finger up its arse. | At this point, Hewitt threw himself into his work. He began to study Hermanism voraciously, quickly forgiving his wife’s killer and foisting the blame onto society in that nauseating way that intellectual liberals seem so keen on. The recording we supply here comes from a Radio Belmsford series that was never broadcast. The controllers at the time thought that hermans were attention-seeking enough without justifying their existence further by plastering them all over the airwaves. These recordings are from the first two programme in the series. In 1988 Professor Hewitt married Charlotte Lewis from ‘The Golden Child’. He hopes to be allowed to give her one up the shitter at some point. | |||||||||||||||||
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Recommended further reading: Hewitt, Prof. Keith J. What the FUCK is that?: A study of Herman physiology. (Albequerque, 1979) Get Her Off Me. Just Get Her Off Me: Herman Breeding Patterns. (Camb., 1988) Drown Them. Or Put Them On A Boat, A Massive Fucking Boat, Push It Out To Sea And Have Done With It: The Argument for Eugenics or Enforced Diaspora in Herman Communities. (paper, Oxford, 2002) Other authors Snudburger, J.G. Nonchalance and its negative impact on herman creativity, sense of humour and sex appeal. (Journal of Applied Fucked-up Peoples' Psychology, 2003) Star, A.W.P. My life among the hermans - you wouldn't believe the freaky shit I've seen (Belmhaven Press, 2004) |
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